Dear Blog,
It has been some time since I last wrote and I apologize. See, the reason is, I just am having trouble dealing with the way that I feel, and when I write, I feel. I feel like I am consumed. That I must keep moving because if I stop, I will surely die. Maybe not die. But at least crash. If I let go of all of this for a second, I will lose everything. Of course, you are thinking, why? You have a HUGE God who can carry these things. But the truth is, I don't have the strength to give it over. I try. I hold all of it up in the air and wave it around. I'm practically screaming, "HERE GOD, Take it!" but with all of my screaming, I'm holding on to it for dear life. Meanwhile, everything is still spinning. It occurs to me that perhaps my Father is spinning me. Disorienting me. Forcing me to lose my grip. But still.. I hold on.
What makes it worse is that I know. I know and I still cannot let go. Another day slides by. There are periods of happiness, but I feel as though joy is lacking. I know why. It's because I'm concentrating on holding on. Holding on to what? Death. Depression. Anger. Mostly anger. Disappointment. Hurt. Thoughts that are untrue - simply assumptions about the way others MUST feel about me. They must! I am so terrible. Sinful. Wretched. They must see through the show that I put on everyday. They cannot be that oblivious. But... perhaps they are. And the pain of being unnoticed hurts more.
Another day goes by and I am still defeated. Not yet claiming the victory that I am promised. I know that I am loved by the most high King. A favored child of God. But, I cannot bring myself to claim the victory. Ironically, I see the post below this one, claiming victory and power. But, it just feels like those are not promises for me today. Another day goes by and I am still defeated. Defeated by no one other than myself.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Am I Valuable?
I needed this today. Maybe you do, too.
“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.”
Luke 12:6-7 (ESV)
Luke 12:6-7 (ESV)
Monday, May 9, 2011
But I can't do it....
Psalm 116:7, “Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.” (NIV)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Power
"Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high,
who stoops down to look on the heavens and earth? He raises the
poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap."
Psalm 113:5-7
"You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great."
Psalm 18:35
who stoops down to look on the heavens and earth? He raises the
poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap."
Psalm 113:5-7
"You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great."
Psalm 18:35
Monday, May 2, 2011
Choosing Freedom
I am struggling with believing lies. God has made it all too obvious lately that he knows I am struggling with this. These lies aren't necessarily the lies that other people are feeding me, but the lies that are in my own mind. I received a daily devotional today. The devotional writer states, "The Bible says, 'Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...' (Romans 8:1). In other words, when condemning accusations coil around my mind, I know - I can be fully assured - they're not from God. And if they're not from God, they're not worth believing."
She went on to say -
"I'm learning to combat the lies by submitting them to the Truth, Jesus.
When the enemy says, 'You're worthless.' Jesus says, 'You are a pearl of great value.' When the enemy states, 'No one will ever love you.' Jesus says, 'You are my beloved.' When the enemy says, 'God doesn't care.' Jesus says, 'I gave my life that you might have eternal life.'"
"While the enemy will continue to try and thwart God's truth, we can know he's already lost the battle. It's a done deal. In Genesis 3, we read that the head of the serpent will be crushed under Jesus' heel, defeating him for all time. He holds no real power over us."
...Despite everything going on in the world today, THAT is real freedom.
Here is the prayer from the end of the devotional and my prayer for today:
"Dear Lord, I pray that I'll recognize your voice above all others. Give me ears to hear You. Teach me how to live in the freedom of your truth and thank You for the gift of your grace.
In Jesus' Name, Amen."
Although it is a minute by minute challenge... today, by God's grace, I choose to live in freedom.
She went on to say -
"I'm learning to combat the lies by submitting them to the Truth, Jesus.
When the enemy says, 'You're worthless.' Jesus says, 'You are a pearl of great value.' When the enemy states, 'No one will ever love you.' Jesus says, 'You are my beloved.' When the enemy says, 'God doesn't care.' Jesus says, 'I gave my life that you might have eternal life.'"
"While the enemy will continue to try and thwart God's truth, we can know he's already lost the battle. It's a done deal. In Genesis 3, we read that the head of the serpent will be crushed under Jesus' heel, defeating him for all time. He holds no real power over us."
...Despite everything going on in the world today, THAT is real freedom.
Here is the prayer from the end of the devotional and my prayer for today:
"Dear Lord, I pray that I'll recognize your voice above all others. Give me ears to hear You. Teach me how to live in the freedom of your truth and thank You for the gift of your grace.
In Jesus' Name, Amen."
Although it is a minute by minute challenge... today, by God's grace, I choose to live in freedom.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Everyday
Sometimes I forget to live everyday as a new day. Sometimes I own problems and issues that are just not mine. Max Lucado said a few words that I want to remember, and love, and own, and wrestle with, and cling to everyday.
"Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
and self control. To these I commit my day.
If I succeed, I will give thanks.
If I fail, I will seek his grace.
And then, when this day is done, I will
place my head on my pillow and rest."
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
and self control. To these I commit my day.
If I succeed, I will give thanks.
If I fail, I will seek his grace.
And then, when this day is done, I will
place my head on my pillow and rest."
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The Signature of Jesus
One of my favorite authors of all time has been Brennan Manning. He has not failed to blow me away with his words. Today we decided to stay home from church for some quiet. Sometimes our lives get so crazy that we just don't seem to have time for quiet reflection. So that is what we did today - and we read. I picked up Brennan Manning's The Signature of Jesus and started to read. If I decided to write down each piece that is life-altering, I would eventually type out the whole work - so I will keep it to three points (maybe four).
Point 1: I LOVE Manning's definition of what the church should be - "the body of Christ with its face to the world, loving others regardless of religion or culture, pouring itself out in a life of service, offering hope to a frightened world, and presenting itself as a real alternative to the existing arrangement. 'The church that is worthy of the name is a band of people in which the love of God has broken the spell of demons and false gods which is now making a dent in the world.' I want neither the blood-n-guts religion that would make Clint Eastwood, not Jesus, our hero; nor a speculative religion that would imprison the gospel in the halls of academia; nor a noisy, feel-good religion that is a naked appeal to emotion. I long for passion, intelligence, and compassion in a church without ostentation, gently beckoning to the world to come and enjoy the peace and unity we possess because of the Spirit in our midst."
...Jesus, let me have this compassion. Let me be passionate for your word and your people. Grant me a longing for your spirit. Let my joy, and my peace be infectious.
Point 2: "I pray that you will be daring enough to be different, humble enough to make mistakes, courageous enough to get burnt in the fire, and real enough to help others see that prose is not poetry, speech is not song, and tangibles, visibles, and perishables are not adequate for beings signed with the blood of the Lamb."
"The Lord said to Abraham, 'Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
"I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."
Father - Let me be daring. Let me be humble. Let me be courageous. Let me remember what you said, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9). Grant me strength. Do not let me forget you.
Point 3: "The God of Abraham, who is the God and Father of Jesus Christ, is not a threat. The certainty that he wants us to live, to grow, to unfold, and to experience fullness of life is the basic premise of authentic faith. Yet my reluctance to pray the prayer of abandonment of Charles de Foucauld - 'Father, do with me whatever you want' - reveals that I am still in the iron grip of skepticism and fear: Letting God have at me may jeopardize my health, my reputation, and my security. He might strip me of my red suspenders and Rolex and send me off to Tanzania as a missionary. If he would just let me stay in the temple of my familiar, I would entrust myself to him wholeheartedly."
Savior, I do not know what plans you have for me, but help me to be unafraid. Allow me to receive the peace and grace I read about. Grant me faith.
"Now faith is the confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead. By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: 'He could not be found, because God had taken him away.' For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him..." (Hebrews 11:1-6).
Point 1: I LOVE Manning's definition of what the church should be - "the body of Christ with its face to the world, loving others regardless of religion or culture, pouring itself out in a life of service, offering hope to a frightened world, and presenting itself as a real alternative to the existing arrangement. 'The church that is worthy of the name is a band of people in which the love of God has broken the spell of demons and false gods which is now making a dent in the world.' I want neither the blood-n-guts religion that would make Clint Eastwood, not Jesus, our hero; nor a speculative religion that would imprison the gospel in the halls of academia; nor a noisy, feel-good religion that is a naked appeal to emotion. I long for passion, intelligence, and compassion in a church without ostentation, gently beckoning to the world to come and enjoy the peace and unity we possess because of the Spirit in our midst."
...Jesus, let me have this compassion. Let me be passionate for your word and your people. Grant me a longing for your spirit. Let my joy, and my peace be infectious.
Point 2: "I pray that you will be daring enough to be different, humble enough to make mistakes, courageous enough to get burnt in the fire, and real enough to help others see that prose is not poetry, speech is not song, and tangibles, visibles, and perishables are not adequate for beings signed with the blood of the Lamb."
"The Lord said to Abraham, 'Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
"I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."
Father - Let me be daring. Let me be humble. Let me be courageous. Let me remember what you said, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9). Grant me strength. Do not let me forget you.
Point 3: "The God of Abraham, who is the God and Father of Jesus Christ, is not a threat. The certainty that he wants us to live, to grow, to unfold, and to experience fullness of life is the basic premise of authentic faith. Yet my reluctance to pray the prayer of abandonment of Charles de Foucauld - 'Father, do with me whatever you want' - reveals that I am still in the iron grip of skepticism and fear: Letting God have at me may jeopardize my health, my reputation, and my security. He might strip me of my red suspenders and Rolex and send me off to Tanzania as a missionary. If he would just let me stay in the temple of my familiar, I would entrust myself to him wholeheartedly."
Savior, I do not know what plans you have for me, but help me to be unafraid. Allow me to receive the peace and grace I read about. Grant me faith.
"Now faith is the confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead. By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: 'He could not be found, because God had taken him away.' For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him..." (Hebrews 11:1-6).
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