Victory Lost.

Dear Blog,

It has been some time since I last wrote and I apologize. See, the reason is, I just am having trouble dealing with the way that I feel, and when I write, I feel. I feel like I am consumed. That I must keep moving because if I stop, I will surely die. Maybe not die. But at least crash. If I let go of all of this for a second, I will lose everything. Of course, you are thinking, why? You have a HUGE God who can carry these things. But the truth is, I don't have the strength to give it over. I try. I hold all of it up in the air and wave it around. I'm practically screaming, "HERE GOD, Take it!" but with all of my screaming, I'm holding on to it for dear life. Meanwhile, everything is still spinning. It occurs to me that perhaps my Father is spinning me. Disorienting me. Forcing me to lose my grip. But still.. I hold on.

What makes it worse is that I know. I know and I still cannot let go. Another day slides by. There are periods of happiness, but I feel as though joy is lacking. I know why. It's because I'm concentrating on holding on. Holding on to what? Death. Depression. Anger. Mostly anger. Disappointment. Hurt. Thoughts that are untrue - simply assumptions about the way others MUST feel about me. They must! I am so terrible. Sinful. Wretched. They must see through the show that I put on everyday. They cannot be that oblivious. But... perhaps they are. And the pain of being unnoticed hurts more.

Another day goes by and I am still defeated. Not yet claiming the victory that I am promised. I know that I am loved by the most high King. A favored child of God. But, I cannot bring myself to claim the victory. Ironically, I see the post below this one, claiming victory and power. But, it just feels like those are not promises for me today. Another day goes by and I am still defeated. Defeated by no one other than myself.

Am I Valuable?

I needed this today. Maybe you do, too.

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.”
Luke 12:6-7 (ESV)

But I can't do it....

Psalm 116:7, “Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.” (NIV)

Power

"Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high,
who stoops down to look on the heavens and earth? He raises the
poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap."
Psalm 113:5-7


"You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great."
Psalm 18:35

Choosing Freedom

I am struggling with believing lies. God has made it all too obvious lately that he knows I am struggling with this. These lies aren't necessarily the lies that other people are feeding me, but the lies that are in my own mind. I received a daily devotional today. The devotional writer states, "The Bible says, 'Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...' (Romans 8:1). In other words, when condemning accusations coil around my mind, I know - I can be fully assured - they're not from God. And if they're not from God, they're not worth believing."

She went on to say -
"I'm learning to combat the lies by submitting them to the Truth, Jesus.

When the enemy says, 'You're worthless.' Jesus says, 'You are a pearl of great value.' When the enemy states, 'No one will ever love you.' Jesus says, 'You are my beloved.' When the enemy says, 'God doesn't care.' Jesus says, 'I gave my life that you might have eternal life.'"

"While the enemy will continue to try and thwart God's truth, we can know he's already lost the battle. It's a done deal. In Genesis 3, we read that the head of the serpent will be crushed under Jesus' heel, defeating him for all time. He holds no real power over us."

...Despite everything going on in the world today, THAT is real freedom.

Here is the prayer from the end of the devotional and my prayer for today:

"Dear Lord, I pray that I'll recognize your voice above all others. Give me ears to hear You. Teach me how to live in the freedom of your truth and thank You for the gift of your grace.

In Jesus' Name, Amen."

Although it is a minute by minute challenge... today, by God's grace, I choose to live in freedom.

Everyday

Sometimes I forget to live everyday as a new day. Sometimes I own problems and issues that are just not mine. Max Lucado said a few words that I want to remember, and love, and own, and wrestle with, and cling to everyday.

"Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
and self control. To these I commit my day.
If I succeed, I will give thanks.
If I fail, I will seek his grace.
And then, when this day is done, I will
place my head on my pillow and rest."

The Signature of Jesus

One of my favorite authors of all time has been Brennan Manning. He has not failed to blow me away with his words. Today we decided to stay home from church for some quiet. Sometimes our lives get so crazy that we just don't seem to have time for quiet reflection. So that is what we did today - and we read. I picked up Brennan Manning's The Signature of Jesus and started to read. If I decided to write down each piece that is life-altering, I would eventually type out the whole work - so I will keep it to three points (maybe four).

Point 1: I LOVE Manning's definition of what the church should be - "the body of Christ with its face to the world, loving others regardless of religion or culture, pouring itself out in a life of service, offering hope to a frightened world, and presenting itself as a real alternative to the existing arrangement. 'The church that is worthy of the name is a band of people in which the love of God has broken the spell of demons and false gods which is now making a dent in the world.' I want neither the blood-n-guts religion that would make Clint Eastwood, not Jesus, our hero; nor a speculative religion that would imprison the gospel in the halls of academia; nor a noisy, feel-good religion that is a naked appeal to emotion. I long for passion, intelligence, and compassion in a church without ostentation, gently beckoning to the world to come and enjoy the peace and unity we possess because of the Spirit in our midst."

...Jesus, let me have this compassion. Let me be passionate for your word and your people. Grant me a longing for your spirit. Let my joy, and my peace be infectious.

Point 2: "I pray that you will be daring enough to be different, humble enough to make mistakes, courageous enough to get burnt in the fire, and real enough to help others see that prose is not poetry, speech is not song, and tangibles, visibles, and perishables are not adequate for beings signed with the blood of the Lamb."

"The Lord said to Abraham, 'Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.

"I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."

Father - Let me be daring. Let me be humble. Let me be courageous. Let me remember what you said, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9). Grant me strength. Do not let me forget you.

Point 3: "The God of Abraham, who is the God and Father of Jesus Christ, is not a threat. The certainty that he wants us to live, to grow, to unfold, and to experience fullness of life is the basic premise of authentic faith. Yet my reluctance to pray the prayer of abandonment of Charles de Foucauld - 'Father, do with me whatever you want' - reveals that I am still in the iron grip of skepticism and fear: Letting God have at me may jeopardize my health, my reputation, and my security. He might strip me of my red suspenders and Rolex and send me off to Tanzania as a missionary. If he would just let me stay in the temple of my familiar, I would entrust myself to him wholeheartedly."

Savior, I do not know what plans you have for me, but help me to be unafraid. Allow me to receive the peace and grace I read about. Grant me faith.

"Now faith is the confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead. By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: 'He could not be found, because God had taken him away.' For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him..." (Hebrews 11:1-6).

Contentment in Relationships

A few weeks ago I was invited to attend a women's forum. I didn't have any idea of what that meant, but I decided to attend. Yesterday Lisa (yay Lisa!) and I went. All I can say is, "wow." It wasn't so much that I learned anything brand new, however, I was reminded of that which I had forgotten. Four women from all walks of life were at the front of the room. There was a young, single girl. There was a women that was young and had been married for five years. There was a women in her early forties with three children. And there was a woman that was in her fifties with children that were out of the home. They were asked questions about contentment - what it looked like, what the struggles are... etc. My original thought was to share with you the tidbits of information that I learned, but I think I will share my favorite point. No matter how big your problem, no matter what you are going through - remember the big picture. Remember to ask yourself - what is the significance of this trial in light of all eternity. And finally, remember - in the end... LOVE always wins.

The Essence of God

This morning was a rainy morning. I laid in bed, enjoying the warmth and quiet, and read for a bit while my husband and dog were snoring away. I read, "I am the essence of God." My immediate reaction was, "Wow. That's a bold statement. I don't think that I can claim myself to be the essence of the almighty God." But then I put the book down for a moment and started to think. What do I believe? I believe that I am God's creation. Is not my creation, such as this very blog, my essence? Isn't it what shows me? A painter paints his very essence when he paints a canvas. In that same way could I truly be the essence of God? I think I struggle with this because I am so often broken, unloving, selfish... How could the terrible me possibly be the essence of a perfect, loving, giving God? I don't think that I will come to an awakening in this post. I'm not even sure if I'll ever fully understand what it is that I'm talking about... all this essence business. But I have a lovely, calming feeling that God is taking me somewhere with this.

Mr. Ken Allen

Look at me - two days in a row! Lisa, you should be proud. This post is of no real significance however it really made me chuckle.

Meet Mr. Ken Allen. Ken Allen is an Orangutan that used to live in the San Diego Zoo. Today I read about Ken Allen for the first time.


Apparently Mr. Ken Allen wasn't your average primate. He was an escape artist. No matter what zoo keepers did, they could not keep him in his cage. One of the zoo keepers said, "He never seemed to mind being led back into his enclosure - he just seemed to enjoy the challenge of finding his way out." A psychiatrist actually said, "Ken Allen appeals to everyone's sense of breaking out. The irony of it is that he doesn't really want to leave. He breaks out, but doesn't go anywhere." He would simply wander around the zoo looking at the other animals. Zoo keepers often dressed as normal visitors at the zoo to try to catch Ken Allen sneaking out, but Ken was too smart for that. Eventually the other orangutans began to follow Ken Allen's lead and break out too. Ken Allen was eventually dubbed Harry Houdini. He was loved by many and eventually there was a fan club, t-shirts, bumper stickers, and songs created as a tribute.

Sadly, Ken Allen died in December 2000, but let's not forget the lesson. Break out! Take a moment to enjoy the world around you. Enjoy the challenge. Try something new. Be a leader. Spur others to action.

...Maybe this post has some eternal significance after all. Thank you, Mr. Ken Allen, for the life lesson. Who knew such wisdom could be gained from an orangutan. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. We are all God's creation.

Today I choose to live.

I don't understand true desperation. Here in the United States, I have everything I need. We are a blessed people. Here I have food. Shelter. Love. Hope. Many places in the world are not that fortunate.

I teach World Literature. Each day I post a current event from CNN for my students to see. I do this because I know that teenagers in particular are egocentric and I want them to realize that there is a big, big world out there. Today I came across a video of Haiti - a year after the earthquake. They are still in devastation, living out of tents. They are doing their very best to just live. Nevermind excess. Nevermind love and hope. They are struggling for life. I don't know if I will ever truly understand that devastation. At least I pray that I don't. The reporter spoke with a man who worked with computers and lived in a nice apartment. Now, he was living in a tent making paintings to sell in the street. He described the devastation and ended the broadcast with, "The country can do nothing. The government can do nothing. Only God can save us now."

Imagine... Imagine that level of heartbreak. Imagine that level of hopelessness. I do not believe my mind is capable of such a task.

"Then the LORD said, I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt, and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters. I know their sufferings, and I have come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land to a good and broad land, a land flowing with milk and honey, to the place of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Amorites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites. And now, behold, the cry of the people of Israel has come to me, and I have also seen the oppression with which the Egyptians oppress them. Come, I will send YOU to Pharaoh, that you may bring my people, the children of Israel, out of Egypt. But Moses said to God, Who am I that I should go to Pharoah and bring the children out of Egypt? He said, Bit I will be with you and this shall be a sign to for you, that I have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain. Then Moses saidt o God, If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, The God of your fathers has sent me to you, and they ask me, What is his name? what shall I say to them? God said to Moses, I am the I am. And he said, Say this to the people of Israel, I am has sent me to you" Exodus 3:7-15

Now I would be a fool to think that we can all run to Haiti and bring the country back to life. But we can do our part here. We can pray. We can love. We can hope. We can be their life. Brennan Manning said something along the lines of, you have two choices when you come across a person each day... you can be life or you can be death. Today... I choose life. Life for Haiti. Life for my family. Life for my friends. Life for my coworkers. Life for the man in front of me that refuses to turn on his directional. Today I choose to live.

Beautiful?

And just like that it is January. I have started many additions to this blog though none have made it to the final cut. It really has something to do with the fact that I'm so easily distracted. Or maybe it has something to do with my many excuses. Oh.. I can't write today - I'm hungry. I'm tired. Andy's home. I have to work. I can't possibly open up my computer. Scrapple smells and he may sit near me.

Actually, that was my excuse until a few minutes ago... He does smell. And he is sitting on my feet.

Regardless, here I am. I will write about the very first thing I think about. Guilt. I feel guilty. I have any unfinished projects and very little time and motivation. I'm floating and not really living. Just here. And there. But not anywhere in particular for any one reason. Also - I cannot seem to finish the book Eat, Pray, Love. Not sure why. I keep fighting with it. Moving on to something else and then meandering my way back. (I just smiled when I wrote the word meandering.. I like that word) (See what I mean about easily distracted!) Anyway, I picked up the book again today and found a quote that I had written on the back cover.

"You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

In this time. In this period of my life that feels so... blah (for the lack of better word), I will choose to find something beautiful. Even if it is the slightest thing. So... first post of the year, I shall.

1. I have a very handsome husband who loves me unconditionally.
2. I have a cute, albeit, stinky dog who probably loves my husband more than me but keeps me company and sits on my feet from time to time.
3. A job. Many people do not have one and I am incredibly thankful that I do.

...I think I will start small. I am hungry. Distraction. Crap. Oh well. Forgiveness is always necessary when you are desperate to become the person you are supposed to be.