Victory Lost.

Dear Blog,

It has been some time since I last wrote and I apologize. See, the reason is, I just am having trouble dealing with the way that I feel, and when I write, I feel. I feel like I am consumed. That I must keep moving because if I stop, I will surely die. Maybe not die. But at least crash. If I let go of all of this for a second, I will lose everything. Of course, you are thinking, why? You have a HUGE God who can carry these things. But the truth is, I don't have the strength to give it over. I try. I hold all of it up in the air and wave it around. I'm practically screaming, "HERE GOD, Take it!" but with all of my screaming, I'm holding on to it for dear life. Meanwhile, everything is still spinning. It occurs to me that perhaps my Father is spinning me. Disorienting me. Forcing me to lose my grip. But still.. I hold on.

What makes it worse is that I know. I know and I still cannot let go. Another day slides by. There are periods of happiness, but I feel as though joy is lacking. I know why. It's because I'm concentrating on holding on. Holding on to what? Death. Depression. Anger. Mostly anger. Disappointment. Hurt. Thoughts that are untrue - simply assumptions about the way others MUST feel about me. They must! I am so terrible. Sinful. Wretched. They must see through the show that I put on everyday. They cannot be that oblivious. But... perhaps they are. And the pain of being unnoticed hurts more.

Another day goes by and I am still defeated. Not yet claiming the victory that I am promised. I know that I am loved by the most high King. A favored child of God. But, I cannot bring myself to claim the victory. Ironically, I see the post below this one, claiming victory and power. But, it just feels like those are not promises for me today. Another day goes by and I am still defeated. Defeated by no one other than myself.